Hilarious article of the day: 5 tips for pairing cheap beers with personal failures

Cheers to Soren Bowie for article of the day. Read the entire article HERE.

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Excerpt:

Tip #4. Beer 30 Light

Judging by the color, smell and taste, I’m pretty confident I could pass a urine test with a cup of this beer. Everything about it, from the can to the contents, feels like a prank designed to make me drink pee. The beer is watery even for light beer but makes up for blandness with the brutal and unmistakable taste of iron.

Individual beers were 59 cents at the store, but there was a spectacular deal where I could buy a 12-pack for three dollars. The logo features a clock where all the numbers are replaced with “Beer 30,” suggesting that you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fit in all the mistakes you’re going to make in a day. This beer also, perhaps wisely, steers away from the “Drink Responsibly” campaign. Beer 30 knows that responsibility has no authority over the kind of people who would buy a pallet of off-brand beer from the 99 Cent Store.

I assumed the two most likely ways to enjoy this beer were on the floor and in a marinara jar.

Pairing Advice:

This beer really complements the sense of failure that comes from the sudden awareness that you’ve established artificial hurdles in your life for fear of ever being truly successful. Without your sense of dissatisfaction with the world, you wouldn’t recognize yourself, and the barriers you’ve created give you reason to consistently fail without it ever being entirely your fault. In that tradition, now you can build much more tangible obstacles out of Beer 30 cans, preferably the night before you have a job interview or a meeting that could help define the rest of your life. Beer 30 isn’t just an arbitrary time on a clock; it’s marking the middle point in your life, reminding you how many times you’ve abandoned the hard work necessary to achieve your dreams, and instead opted for the immediate gratification of a beer. It also goes really nicely with a Bratwurst!


Read more: 5 Tips for Pairing Cheap Beers with Personal Failures | Cracked.com

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